//30/5/12//this post is From 6/7/09
look @ the time im blogging :D
*********************to be continued*************************
(9:45:00 PM)
// 30/5/12 //this post is from 18th Oct 2010. Saved under drafts, preserved in mint condition. That is a LOT of vulgarities. wow.
Lovin it. Just love my life.
Why? It's just like everyone else's.
Un-fucking believably stupid. But maybe a little more.
Why am I the only one stuck down here? Why does everyone leave everyone alone? What the fuck is the fish doing to the cat?
If there is a word i could use to describe this post, its fked.
More fked than a keyboard with no board.
No borders. No life. What does having no borders give you? Nothing good. No borders gives you freedom. What do you do with freedom, nothing. Nothing good. No income, no education, you get no love (hehe eminem). Here, I'll ask a little question used to screw your brains out through the ears. What is this world coming to?
How do I start. Lets start from the government. Why do we even have a government? Thats right. To create order. Thats why I dont trust OCD nutcases. Order. With order comes power. Recognition as the smartest, the one wise enough to make descisions. Trust is needed for the order to come together, gel itself together. Trust turns sour. Corruption comes about. And in a society where everything depends on everything else, everything else falls apart. Degradation of every part of the society, whether law, economy, military or social. All comes apart under the natural fluctuations of nature. Humans find a way to see every other side of anything, no matter how good or bad. That is our nature.
Fuck Imma delete everything.
(9:44:00 PM)
We are not taught to do; we are taught to be.
//30/5. publishing all my old posts lalala
(9:40:00 PM)
Good things come in pairs.
Reflecting ideas to another is a good thing.
Hierarchy exists because people deem some to be better than others based on relevant criterion.
I should spend more time on other things now.
(9:40:00 PM)
Getting more ideas down today, and some updates on life.
Life is all about what you pay attention to. It's filled up with things that you need to pay attention to. Short cuts are ways to allow more attention to be devoted to another thing.
Advertisement: container for food as clock face, 2 utensils as hours and minute hand. round the clock, different foods in stop motion. food corresponds to time. advert for card with food rebates?
I like feeling important. I haven't had a reason to face that till now.
Fiction books are arranged in such linear fashions, are written following a certain structure, yet are able to contain non-linear worlds.
Why do we need Literature? Why obscure ideas behind words and pictures?
-The same rationale for having practicals. Get a feel before knowing theory
-Ideas resonate better
-Same rationale for using indirectness for sensitive ideas
Conspiracy theory: Keeping children in schools is to prevent them from questioning the world too much. To guide is to control. To teach is to occupy.
I seem to be forgetting words that I used to know very often. e.g. "sustenance" just this afternoon.
~~
Updates
Unit camp over [buddy champion group! :)]
PIR application for Sec2 /1 NCO, DyHead of Ops / CSSD
Actually feel motivated to mug after realising that life is a game of priorities and not fulfilment
Realise that I spend a lot of time thinking about hidden meanings. Good practice, I guess.
alrighty then until next time blogger.
(9:33:00 PM)
I really don't have anything better to say.
(10:08:00 PM)
Just a simple longing? Will it go away?
I don't know.
Is it motivated by lust? Or something more?
I really don't know.
To take the magic from the moment, to take the illusion from your mind, show the depravity and primal desires underneath? Or sacrifice rational thought for feelings, and live your lies?
Too many questions. I have better things to do. Too many paragraphs.
I want to. But I'm afraid of falling into the cycle. Going too deep and getting addicted to that feeling again.
So vague. So general. I don't believe I'll get anything solved like this.
//update-- marksman badge yesterday. kfc disgusts me.
(9:56:00 PM)
I'd always thought that as I matured, everything would get better.
Then I realise I'd been lying to myself.
Does the grass look greener on the other side? Or is it truly greener?
Are people so used to their suffering that they become emotionless? Or are they suffering at all?
(9:55:00 PM)
I have an idea. It is just an idea that has been stuck in my head for awhile now. I need to get it out of there and get back to my homework, so I'll just stick it to this blogpost.
A team of revolutionary scientists are sent to communicate with a newly discovered alien race. though the aliens seem friendly to the astronauts at first, their true purpose is to use them for research. then begins a thriller, with complications. finally, it is realised that the government has been working with the aliens to eliminate the scientists to prevent advancement of science that will ultimately devastate large companies and deal huge losses.
(11:46:00 PM)
NPAP 2012
DONE.
YESTERDAY.
ITS 1:21 NOW.
(1:21:00 AM)
real quick post: npaptrainingpreviewOVER, msg2.88T1.
CLASS STAND CLASS BOW TANK YEW AHND GUDBAI MISTER INTERNET.
(1:16:00 AM)
/*apologies for the fragmented sentences. fullstops denote thinking (<5 seconds) this post stems from a lack of motivation and achievement. the only idiot proof sentences in this post are these ones. the rest below is a... I don't know what to call it. diarrhoea of the mind, maybe.
enjoy. doubt you will though. */
jealous. envious. of something that i can't have, shouldn't have, yet want to have.
live by your motto, attempt the stupid, try the impossible. take risks, love life.
but miss that one important thing throughout.
take everyone into account. try to please everyone. try to.
while having self above all. impossible to avoid failure with conflicting traits. yet, the sting of guilt still comes from disappointing people. letting yourself down.
just can't help caring too much. wondering if caring is all just a big mistake, was a big mistake, will never be right. wondering what i've done wrong to deserve this shit i get from everyone.
simply trying over and over to understand.
just to survive. to adapt.
to escape from guilt. run from sorrow. solving the small problems, ignoring the big question.
who am I and what do I live for?
truth: i am my ego. for everyone but myself.
(10:08:00 PM)
I'm not supposed to blog, I have better things to do. Here I go again
NPAP GOH, possibly getting in. Horribly tiring day, will be so for the next few days.
RANDOM THOUGHTS EVERYWHERE
cravings for sex. make it stop MAKE IT STOP
living life to the fullest includes both ends of the spectrum. you can't appreciate what you never had use for or haven't lost.
no one does things wrongly. everyone just hasn't found the apt situation to match the method.
HOLIDAY HW OMG GG
sleepysleepysleepysleepysleepysleepysleepysleepy
Almost primal attraction to . If I were to use an analogy, it would be like window shopping.
if it weren't socially prohibited, i would screw any girl that doesn't look revolting.
I believe in a creator. a half masochistic, half awesome god.
I also believe humans are not subservient to that creator. HUMAN WILL
Really should polish my boots and get to sleep right now.
a lifetime of pain for a death of fulfilment? no, the best things in life are mixtures and compounds of everything.
THE SOONER THE BETTER, but this rule doesn't apply to gratification due to human laws that apply to appreciation.
(9:29:00 PM)
A twitter post gives me the answer. Thank you, friend.
"Because I willingly got into this shit, i have to continue doing this shit until the shit ends."
Screw everything, abandon all hope. I'm going.
(8:42:00 PM)
It can screw your life up, but can also enrich it.
Live once. One Life. One opportunity. Your decision as to whether you want to take it or not. To go with monotony or to live life with all its glory and despair.
The thoughts behind everyone who participates in a revolution. "I'm not going to get another chance like this, I won't live like this any more. I will try, because I only live once. If I fail, I fail doing what I want to, not what someone else wants me to."
Same thoughts apply to my life. Only, there's a lot more apprehension and worry about the future, what's gonna happen can i cope with this is this worth the experience SHOULD I GO FOR IT. That's because I hold everything dear to me, cherish bits and pieces of everything, little bits that don't matter. I value grades. I value creativity, morality and a social life. Above all, I value how people judge me - how they see me. How I see myself is directly linked to how others see me.
And that's where the apprehension comes in. Fear of failing, worry of having to regret some time in the future, "I screwed up, I'm not good, sorry." Just too scared to take that leap... no, small step of faith. Too scared to try, yet want to, but not feeling strongly enough about it.
I just want to try. Life needs a sandbox mode.
(7:53:00 PM)
Murphy's Law
Law of the Break: When taking a break, the chance that your supervisor might walk in on you inexplicably increases.
Law of the After-Sleep Nap: Upon sleeping after waking up a tad too early for a given appointment, time will speed up and you will wake up late.
Law of Failure: The time that you are most likely to fail is when everyone is watching.
Law of Observance: The more you search for something, the less the chance of finding it.
Law of Happiness: Having a great day only increases the likelihood of someone screwing up your mood.
Law of Attention: When not paying attention to someone, the probability of missing the most important details is heightened.
(10:12:00 PM)
I got my pink IC yesterday. Cool stuff :D
I can rant about nationalism, but I don't feel like it. Instead, I will tell you that I screwed up my IHC and Physics tests. And Lit is tomorrow. And I'm pretty screwed. Yup done with post.
Have a motivation to work out. Its making me look better.
(9:58:00 PM)
IT'S YOUR OWN DAMN DECISION. MAN UP AND STOP WHINING. YOU LITTLE BITCH, RUNNING TO YOUR LITTLE BLOG LIKE ITS YOUR MOMMY. I AM SICK OF YOU. ME. YOU. WHATEVER. STICK WITH YOUR OWN CHOICE AND MAN UP. JUST BE GLAD YOU HAVE A FUTURE AHEAD. EXCEL IN EXCO AND MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, YOU'LL OUTSHINE YOUR PAST SELF. GLORY TO THE MOTHER-FUCKING NOTHING AND YOUR HUMAN WILL. YOU DECIDE YOUR FATE, YOU STICK WITH YOUR FATE. GO AHEAD AND GIVE AWAY ALL YOUR CHANCES, SEE IF I CARE. BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING I HATE MOST ABOUT YOU, ITS BEING AFRAID. TOO AFRAID TO SEIZE THE BLOODY DAY AND BE AWESOMENESS. TOO LAZY AND AFRAID TO CHALLENGE YOURSELF. YOU'VE GOT THE GOLD IN YOU, JUST HAVEN'T POLISHED IT YET. SO FUCK YOU, FUCK YOUR INSECURITIES, AND LIVE WITH WHAT YOU HAVE.
TLDR READ IT FUCKTARD, MAN THE FUCK UP.
(10:20:00 PM)
Cold hard logic. Nothing like it in the world to give you a whack of reality in the face.
Lost the position of flag bearer today. I feel happy for my friend, feel good that I just made someone happy. Yet I can't help but feel jealousy and sadness. Disappointment for giving up the role too easily. Far too easily.
A push-up competition. Flag bearers need to have good arm strength. I lost, fair and square. I can't help but want to save a little pride, to lie to others that I let him win. But no, logic ripped my pride to shreds. It taught me the truth. I could have denied him the position, but I did not. I didn't take what was mine, guard it as my own. I lost the opportunity. My dreams shattered. To make someone happy.
Then again, I didn't give the opportunity away. When I suggested that competition, it wasn't my opportunity to keep any more. It was free game. I lost the opportunity. The ice-cold, barbed reality of it hits me. Even as feelings try to take the pain of lost opportunity away, it can't compare to the razor-sharp logic. 28 to 35 in a minute.
I am doing homework right now. It is related to altruism and sacrifice (to the degree of life and death). I would like to think that what I did was altruistic, but it is not. I failed to safeguard my opportunity, even when given the chance to.
And somehow, even after the initial feelings of disappointment and okay.jpg (lol meme), I feel good. I feel great for letting my friend steal the limelight, to help him be happy. Just happy. I feel good for helping him, and that's what's keeping me from emoing all the way now. It may be one stage of grief, i.e. bargaining and anger, but to a smaller degree.
When feelings fail to guide, when feelings are crossed and take the sense out of your decisions, fall back on logic and bruising, rational reality.
(9:50:00 PM)
The need, want, lust for sensation is taking over the joy of exploring ideas, concepts, wonderful worlds of books. The eye has overpowered the mind.
Disappointed, yet surprised. Just like failing a test you studied for.
I never really took a good look at society, to see what it has become. Now I do see, and I fear for the future. 'Live for the moment' was my guiding principle in life. Even the borrowed nature of the principle shows my stupidity and immaturity. The short, concise, one-size-fits-all phrase was a guiding principle for my LIFE. that's what scares me. I became blur, dumbed down, blunted without even noticing. I fall easily into the trap of foolishness and spontaneity, and leave problems to handle themselves. I was stupid. So horribly stupid, and now I see it, I feel ashamed.
What is adrenaline to joy?
Fear to Revelation?
desire to gratification?
The television feeds me. Feeds us. Knowing that it is controlled, fake is not enough. It teaches everything, yet teaches nothing. Nothing concrete. Nothing relevant. Nothing that will change yourself, or life for others. Everything is framed within a 5 second frame. No time to think, no time to digest. Only force-feeding.
I refuse.
(9:52:00 PM)
